


i can feel you laughing (under my skin)

by Stxrdust



Series: under my skin [1]
Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Benrey Being A Little Bitch As Always, Developing Relationship, Gordon Also Overthinking Everything, Gordon Freeman’s Minor Breakdown, Kissing, M/M, Punching, Swearing, Takes Place After Act 2: Part 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24479860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stxrdust/pseuds/Stxrdust
Summary: Benrey still had blood dripping from his nose, lips stained red. Unconsciously, Gordon reached up to touch his own, fingers red and sticky with blood when pulled back. Dr. Coomer's eyes widened, fascinated, mouth forming a small o.Oh fuck.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: under my skin [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1874596
Comments: 33
Kudos: 583
Collections: HLVRAI Fics





	i can feel you laughing (under my skin)

**Author's Note:**

> Song Title From: Jukebox The Ghost - Under My Skin

Gordon was pissed. 

Well, according to Benrey, Gordon was always pissed.

Which was a lie, because the stupid security guard was _obviously_ biased. 

And an asshole. 

And so, so infuriating.

Rhythmic clanging bounced off the edges of the Black Mesa rooftop as Benrey swung his legs back and forth, heels hitting the heater each time. There was a quiet ticking as bored fingers tapped against the helmet he had removed. Gordon paced, poorly attempting to ignore the irritating noises that were being produced from the main source of all his irritants.

“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” His shadow loomed over the man on the heater on every pass, casting the guard in darkness for a few seconds at a time.

_ One step, two steps, three steps forward, turn. _

_ One step, two steps, three steps forward, turn. _

Arms were thrown up in wild gestures, restless, and movements filled with left-over adrenaline from the fight only fifteen minutes prior. Finally, the gestures stilled, fingers twined through dark hair in a pathetic attempt to calm himself.

“Uh-huh.”

“I mean, you could have gotten one of us killed! We aren’t _like_ you, Benrey, we can’t just pop back into life whenever we feel like it. We have one life, Benrey, _one_ , you get that right? If one of us dies it is over, there’s no fucking reset button, you do understand that _right_?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I have never, _never_ met someone so– so– so inconsiderate and completely reckless and– are you even _listening_ to me? God _of course_ you aren’t, you don’t even fucking care, do you? Do you care about anything? About all the trouble you’ve...”

The sentence trailed off, rendering the roof silent. Gordon’s clear eyes catching sight of the contrasting glazed eyes of the other. An exasperated exhale moved past chapped lips as the line of sight was followed to–

Oh?

Oh.

_ Oh. _

That couldn’t be right, could it?

Hazy eyes were locked into focus on his mouth, which had previously been spewing rants. As much as he wished to deny it, Gordon had to admit that this had become a thing. An out of control thing frankly, one that was happening far too often for comfort.The stolen glances, the invasion of space, the constant and frankly obsessive staring at his mouth. If these were the actions of anyone else, they would have been obvious. Feelings analyzed if not completely understood. A theory that left little wiggle room for arguments, one that could be proved without question.

The issue was that this was Benrey, and the thing about Benrey is that he was weird. A theory for which held absolutely _no_ wiggle room in Gordon’s mind. It was a fact.

A fact just like how Dr. Coomer could actually be so fucking terrifying when he desired.

A fact just like how Bubby was incredibly prone to snapping at people no matter how nice they were.

A fact just like how Tommy was always, always willing to talk your ear off about Sunkist, whatever the situation.

So that’s what it was, a fact.

It was a fact that Benrey was the weirdest goddamn person Gordon had ever had the displeasure of meeting. 

These were all things that had been written and reworked as time passed, but the main thing is that they were all cataloged in his mind. Not to be changed. Permanent fixtures in his mental catalog of people. Scrawled down in the box labeled ‘Proven Attributes’. This wasn’t strange, he simply needed a place to file away information about people. Having something tangible, something unchanging, something _sure_ , also did wonders for his anxiety. Everyone had a pattern, well, that was what he had thought until he met Benrey.

God, Benrey. 

Benrey wasn’t like anyone Gordon had ever met before– and although he would never admit it–he figured that was the cause of why the guard was caught so often in the crossfire of Gordon’s anger. Unpredictable, a wild card, quick to trick into a false sense of comradery, quick to turn on anyone at any time, quick to betray.

Ergo, unpredictable.

The one trait of others that set nerves on edge like no other. For good reason too, it only took a blink and the situation was snatched from reliable hands and placed into those of fate, or worse, another person. Another incredibly unstable person with a dumb helmet and a penchant for calling people ‘bro’. The hands of a man that Gordon had no idea how to act around. Constant second-guessing, could this be said, could this be done? Then again, he was always double-checking around people. The presence of other people tended to cause him anxiety, although it was probably obvious to all whom he had ever interacted with. Almost like there was a blaring sign with the words ‘I’m stressed as fuck!!!’. Despite this anxiety, reading people proved to be fairly easy, cataloging them even easier. A clear way to keep a level head, to categorize, to understand.

Not Benrey.

Benrey, who was like a puzzle that's pattern changed every time even a little bit of progress was made. Sometimes, there was only one more piece, but before it could be placed it changed again. Something that made Gordon absolutely furious. An intelligent theory proved false in an instant by an inane act, the theory reworked or scraped. There were no words to express how annoying it was. 

Benrey was a fucking anomaly.

Too bad Gordon had always been drawn towards anomalies.

A dangerous line of thought, strands of dark hair slipping from the ponytail as he shook his head. Narrowed eyes made their way back towards the man a few feet in front of him. The sound of shoes hitting the pavement filled the roof, the shadow now completely over Benrey. A raised hand and the sharp snap of fingers far too close for comfort sent the guard flinching backward. Composure quickly regained, an offended frown was directed to the man above him.

“Did you hear anything–anything at all that I just said?”

The words only emitted an eye roll, Benrey looking down to pick at his fingernail.  “Yeah, yeah, don’t fuck up, blah blah blah.”

Gordon’s teeth scraped against each other, eyes filling with anger.  “You–you are so–so–so–“

Fists clenched and unclenched, deep breaths taken while counting, just like the therapist had recommended.

_ Don’t freak out._

Breathing pattern almost normal and adrenaline still running through his veins from the fight. The fight they had both been apart of. The fight where, once again, Gordon almost died and Benrey didn’t even _try_ to help. Didn’t even care. It stung.

“Someone break you or something, Feetman?”

The scientist felt his face heat up. Benrey, the little bastard, fucking snickered at him.

“Chill, bro, you look like you’re gonna blow a fuse. You uh– you could come back to mine after this. Play some– play some halo or something, chill together ya know? Haha.”

“Playing Holo–“

“Halo, dipshit.”

“ _Fine_. Playing _Halo_ with you is the absolute _last_ thing I want to do, _especially_ when we get out of here.”

“You’d rather lose your other hand too?”

A sharp crack reverberated against the sides of the roof as the fist Gordon had clenched while arguing connected with the other man's nose. The scientist was practically fuming at this point, hand bloodied and towering over the hunched over man clutching his nose. A weak huff that could almost be a laugh escaped. 

“Too far, huh?”

The sound of blood dripping onto the pavement pervaded the empty air. A flash of pointed teeth up at Gordon, blood running from his nose, staining skin. The sharp smile was met with a scowl, teeth bared. The guard's eyes fell half-lidded, goading, taunting. Their breath mixed, faces much closer than Gordon remembered them being. The arm, which had been slammed down against the heater in a fit of rage, brushed against the fabric of the Black Mesa security uniform. He knew he should look away, had an idea of what Benrey was playing at, but couldn’t bring himself to look away. 

A swift movement, and then their lips were touching. Gordon wasn’t sure who exactly had moved, so caught up in the moment, but even if it had been him, he’d never admit it, direct the blame onto Benrey if questioned. The heater creaked as the hands that had been slammed against it a moment prior pressed down, moving forwards to get some leverage. Hesitantly, gently, they kissed.Lips moving together softly, unsure, surprising. Gordon had assumed–which would be denied to his dying breath that it was ever even considered– that if they ever kissed it would be harsh. Filled to the brim with annoyance and anger and resentment and certainly never this sweet. It was nice. Strange, but nice.

A hand tangled itself in Gordon’s unruly hair, another coming up to pull the other's body between his legs and hold him steady, Benrey’s own body bracketed in by Gordon’s arms. 

Maybe this was the way to begin to understand, to look inside, to know. Most of all, to analyze– because that’s what scientists did. They broke down the problem, picked it apart, and figured out how it worked. Surely it could work on people too. His tongue brushed against Benrey’s lower lip, slipping inside when the other took the hint. 

Tongues brushed against each other. Electricity raced up Gordon’s spine, setting sparks off inside of him. The thought that the glasses pressed against Benrey’s face were most likely digging into the skin, making him uncomfortable, was cast off as quickly as it was thought. Something sticky and metallic worked its way into his mouth, but it went unnoticed, pushed to the side in favor of something else. A hand made its way to the guard's side. Pushing and pulling and tugging at the fabric until skin met skin. 

Neither breathed for a few beats. Then, Benrey pressed forwards, forcing his tongue into the scientist's mouth. Fists tightened in Gordon’s hair, yanking and forcing a change in the angle, managing to get closer. 

Gordon felt like his body was burning up from the inside, fingers tightening against the skin there, leaving bruises in their wake. Everything was so much, drowning in the best way possible. He felt his vocal cords act without his permission, releasing a quiet but undeniable noise when Benrey explored his mouth. Eager, but then again, so was Gordon, for some stupid reason that would be repressed and never thought of again later. 

Hopefully. 

The fists clenched in his hair tugged sharply, knees almost buckling, another sound.

_Holy shit, holy shit_ okay _. They were really doing this._

Another step forward left them pressed against each other. Gordon’s hand slid further under the blue shirt, fingers deftly tracing the area where jeans met skin, running along the top. A few fingers slipped under the waistband, pressing against Benrey’s hip bone. Sharp teeth nipped at his tongue, producing a smirk from the other after he flinched. A pinch to the side was delivered in retaliation before separating. Gordon couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact, so he ducked down, lips pressing against Benrey’s throat, littering kisses up and down.

“ _Uhn._ ”

Fingers dug into his shoulders, gripping hard, attempting to pull him closer as if they weren’t already pressed together completely. Lost in it, Gordon pressed his teeth into the skin there, sucking harshly at the spot below the guard's jaw, tonguing the skin to soothe it after before repeating. Benrey made another noise from above. 

A loud crashing sound filled up the rooftop as the steel trap door a little ways away swung open, hitting the pavement. The sound of boots hitting the ground joined in as Gordon jumped back, eyes wild as they caught sight of the silver hair, right before Dr. Coomer popped up with a grin, seemingly not noticing the panic that his presence had caused.

“Hello, Gordon!”

Wide green eyes stared as Gordon attempted to get his thought process back online. 

This hesitance didn’t deter Dr. Coomer in the slightest, however, not that it ever did.  “Gordon, we have found a way out through the ventilation system!”

The green eyes blinked owlishly, a disoriented nod accompanying it. 

A skeptical voice popped up from behind.  “Bro, we– we already tried the ventilation.”

The protest was only met with a vigorous nod and a bright smile.  “Yes!”

“So... like, the ventilation?”

Another nod.  “Ventilation is the intentional introduction of outdoor air into a space. Ventilation is mainly used to control indoor air quality by diluting and displacing–“

Suddenly snapping back to attention, Gordon raised a hand to interrupt the tirade.  “I– we both know what you meant, Dr. Coomer, but, how exactly will we know where we’re going? That was the problem last time, _remember_?”

The click of a tongue and disappointed shake of the head followed. Before anything else could be said, a hand was reaching into the lab coat, ripping out a paper and shoving it into Gordon’s chest, whose eyes shot down to look at it.  “Our dear Tommy found a map!”

Hesitantly, he took the map from the man and unfolded it. A hand reached up to straighten crooked glasses, a disbelieving stare cast at the map as it rustled in the wind. Honestly, Gordon wasn’t even sure why this kind of thing was surprising anymore.  “Dr. Coomer... this... isn’t a map of the ventilation system.”

“Our dear Tommy found a map!”

“Yes you said but– no it’s– it’s one of those coloring maps they give kids at restaurants– why– why is this even in Black Mesa? Where did you even _get_ this?”

The question was met with a blank expression.

“Dr. Coomer?”

Just as concern had started to gnaw him, Dr. Coomer’s face lit up once more with a sunny smile.

“Hello, Gordon!”

With a sigh, Gordon let his head hang between his shoulders, face twisted into an exasperated expression.  “Hello, Dr. Coomer.”

“Our dear Tommy–“

“Found a map, yeah you said.”

The only response was an eerie grin, eyes staring past all the blockades and right into his very soul, right down through the bones that held his body together. It was one of the most disturbing, if not the most disturbing ordeal that Gordon had ever had the displeasure of frequently experiencing. A shiver raced up his spine, fists clenched in an attempt to conceal it.  Clearing his throat a few times, he spoke once more.  “Alright, thank you, Dr. Coomer.”

The rooftop was silent, clouded with an awkward silence, or maybe Gordon was just paranoid. Green eyes flickered between the ones that bore into him and the figure sat on the heater. 

Suddenly, a stricken look crossed Dr. Coomer’s face.  “Gordon! You've been injured!”

“...Wait, what?”

The line of sight was followed down to where the blood from Benrey’s hand had been smeared across the HEV suit in their carelessness. Benrey must have noticed at the same time Gordon did, as there was a choked off noise from behind him.

“It’s nothing– it’s just uh–”  A pause as he racked his brain for a viable answer.

“Kool-aid.”  Two heads turned to stare at the source of the voice, who simply smirked.  “Gordon found some, he’s been hoarding it like a dick.”

Eyes narrowed, he silently cursed himself for not being able to think of another excuse. Gordon turned to Dr. Coomer with a sigh.

“Yes, I– it’s kool-aid.”

A frown.  “Gordon! Sharing _is_ caring!”

“Yeah, I know– sorry.”

The other man's eyes seemed to catch on something behind him, widening comically.  “Oh! I must apologize, Gordon, I see now that you did share!”

“I– I did?” Confusion crossing his features, he turned to see what was being referred to.

Oh yeah.

Benrey still had blood dripping from his nose, lips stained red. Unconsciously, Gordon reached up to touch his own, fingers red and sticky with blood when pulled back. Dr. Coomer's eyes widened, fascinated, mouth forming a small o.

Oh fuck.

Two hands flew up in protest. “Dr. Coomer, this isn’t– this isn’t what it looks li–“

“Hey don’t worry, bro, this is exactly what it looks like.”

Gordon spun, positively simmering and, not for the first time, finding himself wishing that laser vision was a real thing that he possessed. The man sat on the heater, however, remained unconcerned as always, and had gone back to picking at his cuticle, face awash with disinterest, though Gordon could have sworn that his lips were quirked up a little at the ends. A quiet clapping permeated the space around them as Dr. Coomer bounced up and down.

“Love is beautiful!”

This time, Gordon wasn’t the only one who turned red.

“Woah! Bro, we aren’t–“

“We are not in love! He’s– he’s fucking deranged! He’s tried to kill me!”

He saw Benrey wince at the pitch of his voice, but couldn’t find it in himself to care.

When his gaze shifted back to Dr. Coomer it was met with eyes void of anything, staring back. Face completely blank, silence once more before–

“Hello, Gordon!”

The tired scientist ran a hand down his face, exasperation painting his tone. “ _Hey_ , Dr. Coomer.”

With a strained laugh, hands pushed through his already messed up hair. He took his lower lip between his teeth, face heating at the realization that Benrey had done the same thing only minutes before. The guard must have, once again, been thinking the same thing because when he risked a glance over his shoulder, the man winked.

Gordon felt rage welling up inside of him.

Was this some kind of joke? 

He could almost hit himself, _duh_. 

_Of course_ , it was a joke. 

This was _Benrey_ , to whom _everything_ was a joke. 

Who took every and any chance he could to mock Gordon. 

How could he let himself be such a heartsick _idiot_?

_ Stupid, stupid, stupid._

That wink, that fucking wink like it was all a big joke is what broke the dam. 

The scientist recoiled and fucking snapped, eyes alight with fury.  “Did you just fucking– did you just fucking _wink_ at me?”

“Huh?”

“No, no– you know what no. You don’t get to– is this funny to you?”

“Wh–“

“No, no you can just shut– just shut the fuck up you– don’t fucking say ‘ _wha_ ’ or ‘ _huh_ ’ or any of the bullshit you always say.”

“Bro, wh–“

“I said shut up! I know you think– you’re such a _bastard_ , you know that? You– you think you’re so funny but you’re not! Jesus fucking Christ, Benrey! I– look I know you’re an asshole but this is– this was too goddamn far, even for _you.”_ The venom in his voice was met with an owlish blink. Gordon’s body sagged as all the fight ran out of it. Without waiting for a reply, he spun on his heel, turning again to face Dr. Coomer, who had been strangely silent during the whole ordeal. 

The man in question was staring holes into the floor, eyes fogged over, doing that weird spacing-out thing he had been doing since the incident in which he had seen ' _nothing_ ' past Black Mesa, whatever that meant.

“Just–“ A hand reached up to tug at one of the loose strands that had fallen from his ponytail before his arms crossed over each other anxiously. “Look I– whatever, whatever just... whatever ok– forget it, nevermind– just fucking... boundaries, Benrey, yeah?”

"Huh?”

This answer only produced a long-suffering sigh and a head shake.

One hand was removed from its crossed position against Gordon’s chest, reaching out to push at Dr. Coomer, who seemed to snap back into existence. “Hello, Gordon!”

Gordon gave a tired smile.  “You alright there, Dr. Coomer?”

“I’m great! My HP is at full health, Gordon!”

While unsure what that meant, Gordon figured that if it sounded good he shouldn’t question it. Another awkward silence. He was getting kind of sick of them to be honest. After a few seconds too many, the scientist realized that the other was waiting to be followed down to the rest of the ‘ _Science Team_ ’, as Dr. Coomer had so affectionately dubbed them.

With a glance at Benrey, he slowly walked over to the still opened trap door, where Dr. Coomer stood with the same eerie grin that had been worn for most of their journey. A thump floated up from the ground floor as the older man dropped down onto it. Gordon gently lowered himself onto the ledge, legs swinging over and hands gripping metal to brace himself. As it always seemed to do, his gaze drifted up to the man on the vent, but Benrey was looking off into the distance in the opposite direction.

Another sigh blew past his lips before disappointed green eyes looked down below once more. Fingers unconsciously drifted back up to touch his mouth, coming back clean this time despite the tingling sensation that hadn’t quite left since the kiss. The thought produced a wave of hurt, a need to hunch in on himself and shy away from the world.

With a shake of his head and one last glance in the security guards direction, he dropped down onto the same spot Dr. Coomer had previously. Although he could have sworn that for just a second, their gaze had connected before the drop. Legs straightened as his hands dusted off his pants for something to do. When green eyes strayed back up, Dr. Coomer was standing there holding two sodas, one of which was offered to Gordon, who took it with a quiet thanks.

Taking a moment to observe, the scientist surveyed the scene, sipping the offered soda.

Bubby was leaning against the wall, some kind of cube in hand, head occasionally bobbing up and down in a nod.

Tommy was pointing at a map on the floor, seemingly attempting to explain it to him.

Dr. Coomer walked over to analyze the map, plopping down next to the man on the floor.

Not wanting to disrupt, Gordon quietly made his way over and leaned back against the wall, letting the chatter flow from one ear out the other. A wince flashed across his face as the harsh sound of the metal trap door closing echoed across the room. The others, thankfully, didn’t seem to notice the wince nor the loud sound. Teeth clenching, he felt his jaw tighten as the sound of quiet footsteps filled the room.

After a second, the chatter of the room quieted into nothing. Concerned, Gordon forced himself to look up at the scene. The other three members of the Science Team were almost completely frozen, all eyes seemingly boring into Benrey. Who, in his defense, looked just as confused as Gordon was, fingers nervously tapping against the old wooden crate that he had decided to sit himself on.

“Wha?”

An unnerving silence hung over the room, growing more worrying with each passing moment.

Until, after a few more uncomfortable seconds, Tommy piped up. “Uh, Benrey?”

The guard lifted an eyebrow, attention directed to Tommy. “Yeah, man?” Benrey was starting to look impatient, eyes narrowed in annoyance.

“Uhm– is that– is that a– uh– a hickey?”

The silence of the room was quickly filled as Gordon choked on his soda, gaze catching on the red mark he must have carelessly left on the side of the security guard's neck, too caught up in the moment to notice. 

Benrey sat frozen for a second, eyes wide, before slapping a hand over the side of his neck, face turning bright red. 

Dr. Coomer reassuringly patted Gordon on the back as he sputtered and coughed, eyes wide in shock.

A maniac cackle rang out over the facility as Bubbly shrieked with laughter, practically doubling over in his delight.

Bastard.

Looking back, Benrey’s eyes locked with his, what was surprising, however, was the slightly shy smile he offered. 

Gordon’s face went red as well then, head ducking down to sip at his soda.

“Young love!”  Was once again declared by Dr. Coomer, a dreamy look on his face.

Gordon could only bring himself to mumble a quiet “ _Shut up._ ” into his soda.

Unfortunately, only succeeding in setting Bubby off again, joined this time by Tommy’s giggles, and Dr. Coomer’s even bigger smile

Despite the embarrassment of the situation, mouth still hidden by the soda can, Gordon allowed his lips to quirk up at the corners.

**Author's Note:**

> oh boy okay here it is  
> this took me WAY too long for something this short i promise im working on shit okay???? asdfghjkl my dumb ass just didn’t like it the first time so i rewrote the whole thing im so dumb 
> 
> i haven’t written since like 2017 and i definitely haven’t written anything like this before. BUT i adored this series, n decided to make some of my own content!!
> 
> if u read this i hope you enjoy!!!! please feel free to leave constructive criticism and what not, very encouraged as i’m trying to learn how to write :,)
> 
> ok that’s it lol


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